Look up the definition of transparency, and you get “the condition of being transparent.” OK, so what does that mean? I think in our new social media distorted nation no one knows what transparency means anymore. Transparency means being yourself? Being true to your values? Letting the world/strangers/followers see YOU as a hot mess on certain days, living room/kitchen/bathroom, not Instagram perfect? Being truly real as in no filter on yourself, your words, your personality?

I don’t know how we got so far away from being real but what I do know is that I wasn’t genuinely transparent when I first started out on YouTube in 2010. I felt I had to be this “perfect” beauty guru, look a certain way, do videos like everyone else, make my life seem so amazing it was draining and made me very unhappy. From 2010 to 2014 I was doing the same thing everyone else was doing just with my twist on beauty videos it wasn’t until the fire aka infertility got so hot under me that I couldn’t keep up the “my life is ah-mazing” façade. It was a scary place to be not knowing if I wanted my true story, my true self to come out and meet the perfect social media world but I did. I came out of the “my life is perfect” in December of 2014 and shared with the world why I couldn’t keep up with my videos and blogging production. Can we say UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!!

It was at this time I started a separate blog called “Not Just A Beauty Blogger” and YouTube channel to document my infertility journey because again I didn’t want to turn people off on my main Fresh Beauty Studio blog with real-life struggles. I went through my first four years of making beauty videos on YouTube with little interaction from my followers it was almost like an abyss, one big black hole of silence until I became transparent and real.

The moment I opened up and told my truth about my life, not the so-called “perfect” life that’s when I found my tribe of women that supported me, could relate to me and gave me the strength to keep going through IVF. I made connections to women from all over the world, I met some of these women in person and had developed beautiful friendships. I am still in contact with many of these women today. On my fourth IVF cycle, I decided enough was enough with the hair dye, and I made the bold decision to allow myself to go gray at forty. Ladies, I get it IVF is not for everyone, going gray is not for everyone, but that was what was happening to me so I could either keep fighting it, covering up, trying to be someone I wasn’t or allow. There is a lot to learn about acceptance and letting go when it comes to your life. It’s not easy or painless, but there is beauty in both.

Two years after deciding to let my gray hair shine I found another fantastic tribe of women that supported me. All the women that feel the same way I do about dying their hair and wanting to break free from societies beauty rules showed up on my YouTube video My Gray Hair Journey. Since then I have connected with amazing women all over the world that is going gray, wanting to go gray or wanting support with aging. I feature one of my readers each week on my blog called Silver Sister Spotlight. None of this would have happened if I pretended my life was perfect, pretended that I didn’t struggle, pretended that I was someone I wasn’t.

“This is ME a forty-two-year-old woman with gray hair being raw and real.” Nikol Johnson

It’s overwhelming scrolling and swiping through social media just to see everyone being paid to push a product or service. I don’t know who to believe anymore with #ad, #sponsored we are so inundated with the pressure to buy, look a specific way, swipe up. Why are you valued on the number below your name, how ridiculous is that? A number makes you valuable to a company? To yourself? How did we get so far away from what matters? A digit doesn’t define you as worthy especially when a lot of these so-called numbers are just smoke and mirrors.  I have these conversations a lot with my clients and friends. Some of them have decided that it’s not worth their mental health to keep seeing fake and unrealistic visuals on a daily basis, so they have taken a break from social media. The question is: Where are the thought leaders? Why is everyone doing the same thing and pushing the latest “It” top or butt enhancing pads because a company is paying them? Do they even like the top, skin care cream or butt plumping pads (sorry I have to laugh)? There is no originality in doing that. I recently read an article in the New York Times about how celebrities, politicians, and want-to-be influencers are buying followers; I mean seriously where is the transparency?

Why did I choose to post a picture of myself in a bra and underwear for this blog post? I have nothing to hide, it’s untouched, no fake eyelashes, minimal makeup, no self-tanner, not filtered, authentic, just ME. I am breaking away from what social media says is beautiful.  I could sit here and pick apart the entire photo based on Instagram guidelines, but I choose to represent women in a new light. This real woman is me, a forty-two-year-old with gray hair that works hard to achieve a healthy lifestyle and bring my followers authentic and transparent content. I turn down companies every day that want to send me free product in return for a video or blog post. I don’t do that never have and never will. I find no value in spending time and effort creating blog posts or videos just for the sake of writing a blog post/video because a company gave me free products. I research and use products that I want to use, that I find beneficial to my skin, body, and mind. I reach out or accept companies products that are in line with my values, vision, and brand.

I don’t know if the way we look at beauty, ourselves, other women will ever be the same because of social media and how warped it has become. I know one thing to be real, I am committed to showing up in this world as my true self and honoring my unique style and delivering valuable raw content to my readers no matter what my virtual numbers say.